Friday, December 22, 2006

Happy Christmas from Melbourne



In the grandstand at Flemington Racecourse earlier today, after a decent result in the New Zealand vs Sri Lanka Twenty20 ODI. Using fill-in flash to light subject against a well-lit but distant background gives this pic a faked look.

Southerly Change passing through behind me, following 36C heat yesterday.
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Thursday, December 21, 2006

Almost a Live Blog! 12:45 AEDT Thurs 21 Dec 2006


Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!

Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.

Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.

She's gone where the goblins go,Below - below - below.

Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.

Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.Let them know The Wicked Witch is dead!

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Monday, December 18, 2006

01:19 AEDT Tuesday 19 Dec 2006

I love the BBC. It's a cliche to harp on about the virtues of public service broadcasting, about the quality and range of radio and TV programming and internet content that Auntie churns out.

So perhaps the licence fee system is a little anachronistic and arguably the BBC stifles competition on the internet from commercial news providers. But I say that losing a couple of crappy web-based SME's is a small price to pay for an organisation with such a wonderful sense of humour as to put out these gems on the same day:

Of Alistair Cook's having scored four (count 'em, four) Test centuries before his 22nd birthday: "It's quite a record and clearly shows he has all the tools to be the first England batsman to hit 10,000 Test runs, if Kevin Pietersen or Ian Bell don't get there first."

Or of The Suffolk Ripper:

"Dr Stephen said the suspect was probably male, white, in his late 20s, 30s or 40s, and is someone who probably had been let down by women in his past. "

"Film-maker and criminologist Roger Graef told BBC Five Live he also believes the killer may have had negative experiences with women in the past."

I've had negative experiences with women AND English batsmen in the last year. The key thing is to have low expectations, thus reducing net disappointment when the inevitable happens. Though if they needed someone to strangle Geraint Jones...






PS Belated congrats to Keith The Camel on his result in Amsterdam. How the hell did Jeraint Hazan - 'JJ' from Gutshot, for heavens sake - cop 355k EURO for 2nd?

Home Sweet Residential Complex


The YVE Building and some of its more celebrated inhabitants. Posted by Picasa

22:37 AEDT Mon 18 Dec 2006


District Cricket at the Albert Ground, a block north of the YVE Building.

Melbourne Cricket Club (MCC) against Footscray.

For semi-amateurs they're absurdly good. The strength of Aussie club cricket is the reason England lost the Ashes today. Posted by Picasa

In The Office...


...grafting away.

Mind that ball, Straussy. Posted by Picasa

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

23:54 AEDT Wed 13 Dec 2006

I’ve been out here now for a month. It’s no longer strange to sit cross-legged on the floor of this flat – my flat – and fart around on this computer – my computer – which is most definitely was before.

I haven’t written owt about the cricket, except on t’other blog. I have toyed with trying to reduce the agonizing personal and professional nightmare of the Adelaide Test Match into a few well couched sentences but it can’t be done. Suffice it to say I fucked up good and proper, with a double helping of extra zeroes to boot.

You might think well, check out King Lucky Bollocks himself – jetting round the world to watch cricket and play cricket and bet on cricket and read cricket books and cricket websites. Day after day after day.

Even I get sick of it at times. I shouldn’t blame cricket, or even cricket gambling, for what I perceive to be the holes in my life, but it’s a convenient enough scapegoat and readily to hand. Particularly when, as during Adelaide, it stops you sleeping. And lying in bed, wide awake and staring at the ceiling just isn’t a time for happy and contented reflection.

One cause of insomnia is to do with work. Firstly, I can't explain what it is that I do for a living and I think that the reason for this is that I haven't yet developed the critical faculties, mathematical framework or experience that I need. I believe not in a 'system' for winning money but in a process: a better analytical framework within which to understand and quantify expectations. Secondly I live an expensive London life and work for a small, specialised desk in a unique company. There isn't a career ladder to climb and I am never going to have much job security or any kind of tenure, so to speak. I can't increase the size or number of the chances to employ my skillset, such as it is, because you can't make more cricket matches happen and you can't make good volume at value prices suddenly appear. This fact seems particularly salient not when you lose, which happens all the time, but when you fuck up (which should be seen as something very distinct from the simple fact of loss). I fucked up in Adelaide. We've been here before though.

The second cause is loneliness. My friends Craig and Glynis have been wonderful at looking after me and the Southerners CC guys are fun. However I live on my own in this flat and work on my own on this flat. Mummy sends regular texts, some London friends email, others pop up on MSN and of couse I can always vent out here. The adjunct of feeling lonely and more than a little sorry for myself is to warp my perspectives a little on my job and life and so forth. I have had precisely one brief and largely unsatisfactory relationship in twenty-eight years, and that ended the morning after we won back the Ashes. I draw all sorts of tacit conclusions from this statistic which are too trite even for me to write about. Now we're about to lose the Urn back, which in a way is a small milestone of personal and romantic disappointment to be passed.

Dry your eyes though. Happily enough I have been channeling some of this angst more effectively of late. I spent a couple of days reading a range of interesting relevant literature in the State Library of Victoria and the University of Melbourne Library. I have been going for 10km runs around the Albert Park lake, which is about two laps of the Grand Prix track. That takes the F1 drivers about 2 mins 50 seconds and takes me 47 mins and 40 seconds on a going day. Tomorrow is the Perth Test. But tomorrow is also T-Day. T standing for Troy, my new personal trainer, who at considerable expense is going to whip me into shape. When I lost weight two years ago I did two-thirds of the job and was pretty pleased with myself. After all, I had been BIG. But with one thing and another I didn't get that last third off. I didn't finish the job. Now, with the help of Troy, it is time to shift the flab that remains. I have a fantastic pair of manboobs which may ultimately require surgical correction but I do have to get as much fat as possible off the hard way first. Teeth-wise I'm still waiting on the list for orthognathic treatment at the Eastman Dental and open my emails every day hoping for news of an appointment. In the meantime I will get the fangs and stumps cleaned and whitened at one of the myriad clinics down here.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

02:17 AEDT Weds 13th Dec 2006


Off to the State Theatre in Melbourne for Opera Australia's production of Handel's Giulio Cesare, with Tobias Cole as Caesar and Emma Matthews as Cleopatra. I was fortunate enough to have seen the McVicar production of Giulio Cesare at Glyndebourne in August 2005 with Sarah Connolly as Caesar and the marvellous (Melbourne-born) Danielle de Niese as Cleopatra.

OA's production was first staged in 1994-5 in Sydney and Melbourne, directed by Francisco Negrin. The first full Handel opera I saw was also directed by Negrin - Orlando at the Royal Opera House in October 2003. That production was panned by the critics, who took special aim at the costumed dancers representing Mars and Venus, regarding them as nothing short of embarrassing. One of the strengths of the OA production were the dancers (shown above - photo from Opera Australia), caked in white make-up and with wonderful choreography which really added to both atmosphere and drama.

Opera seria arias last for ages, because the dramatic conventions of the Baroque period set out the aria as a vehicle for exquisite singing (and more than a little vocal showmanship) whilst simultaneously forbidding action to take place. Modern audiences can be confronted by a succession of singers rooted to the spot vocalising away happily for hours. As a result of the challenges modern directors face is how to break up this monotony with some action on stage whilst leaving the power and integrity of the music intact, which is where dancers often come in.

The State Theatre itself is vast, with three tiers and a capacity of over two thousand. The space was a little overwhelming for the voices, since the stage is deep as well. The production took steps to address that by building a runway out from one side of the proscenium round the pit and then halfway across, terminating behind the white head of Richard Gill, conducting Orchestra Victoria.

Lots of entrances and exits were made via this runway, and a number of arias were moved out there. Whilst this was a boon to everyone upstairs and at the back who now had a whiff of a hint of a sniff of what was going on it was also an excuse for some rather hammy crowd-pleasing, particularly in the aria Se In Fiorito Prato in Act II.

Three counter-tenors on display - Tobias Cole as Caesar garnering much praise in the Australian press but leaving me somewhat flat. I don't have the technical or musical knowledge to criticise his singing, but I felt his voice was alternately hoarse, straining to stay in the soprano register or somehow too sharp. I have been spoilt enough to hear some of the best counter-tenors around, including Andreas Scholl, David Daniels, Bejun Mehta and Lawrence Zazzo so it may well be that I have unrealistic ideals. However both Daniel Goodwin as Nireno and Tolomeo seemed to have the familiar control and sweetness in their voices which makes the counter-tenor so wonderful. To judge from the storms of applause for Cole at the end no-one else shares my opinion though.

Emma Matthews was a strong, if conventional, Cleopatra. Her character sets out to seduce Caesar and doesn't meet much resistance, largely thanks to some knock-out tunes on the way and more than a little sex appeal. Matthews strips off to get into the asses's milk halfway through Act II, by which point Caesar can barely conceal his excitement. She may not have De Niese's looks or stage presence but Matthews has a wonderful voice and ample chances to show it off. Her acting, in common with that of other principals on display here, is not up to the level of her singing but you can't have it all.

Cornelia, whose husband Pompey has been betrayed by Ptolomey and murdered, and her immature but vengeful son Sesto, have rather a tough time of it on the whole. The moral heroes of the piece are rewarded for their steadfastness with music rather less ravishing than some and which can tend to drag on a little. Sally-Ann Russell, who wouldn't be thought of as overweight by any means normally, is given quite a plump, Bunterish presentation as the teenage Sesto in a black Nehru suit with red piping and puffy hair: she puts one in mind of a sort of "Chairman Mao of The Remove." Catherine Carby as Cornelia did little wrong in role very hard to get right.

The audience were classic Anglo opera goers: quite a lot of retired couples, ageing businessmen with crinkly-skinned, thin wives, the slightly more impoverished middle class 50-somethings sitting in "quite good" seats and being brave about it, fewer arty/cosmpolitan types than would be the case in London and many many fewer gay couples who make up half the audience at the ENO . There were just enough 20-something chicks to stop me giving the programme my full and utmost attention in the intervals, including one knockout brunette with three suits in tow.

Many more English accents were to be heard than on the average Melbourne street, which may explain how the ancient and inviolate Law of Inappropriate Coughing was in full effect. It is well known that in the days leading up to an opera English people sleep with their windows wide open, wear wet clothes next to the skin and chain smoke fervently, thus arming themselves with enormous quantities of phlegm. Said phlegm is hoarded and reserved in the oesophagus until the beginning of the most tender and poignant aria, whereupon en masse they try to recreate the sounds of the Battle of The Somme. Bastards! I can sit relatively still and silent for four hours at considerable expense while absurdly talented people make something beautiful happen, so why the f*** can't you? The Australians in the audience tried to compete by whispering to each other frequently but against the serried ranks of the Pommie Chest and Throat Artillery they were completely outgunned.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

19:36 AEDT Sat 9 December 2006



Yet more shopping in Melbourne.

Helas, I had to think that the world was not yet ready to see me and this singlet together in public just yet.

For shame! Posted by Picasa

Thursday, November 23, 2006

18:48 AEDT Thurs 23 November 2006



I have a very numb bum from sitting on the floor.

That's not much compared to England, who have spent the whole day "assuming the position." Posted by Picasa

Sunday, November 19, 2006

10.58 EST Sun 19 November 2006



Just back from three days in Adelaide watching South Australia draw with England. Posted by Picasa

Monday, November 13, 2006

09:01 Mon 13th November 2006



Not being one to miss the chance to ponce around in front of the camera, here's me on the Visitors Balcony at Lords earlier this year.

I look almost this smug this morning. The bags are packed, the press are squared (the Middle Class is quite prepared). I'm off to Melbourne today and not back until late February.

Starting weight is 15st 10lbs. Things are even worse than that because over the last three weeks I must have replaced 5lbs of muscle with soft, gloopy fat.

Target for my return is 14st 7lbs, although 14st 10lbs of ripped-to-the-tits muscle will have to do.

I really enjoyed writing back in February and March and hope to be offending your eyes rather more often over the next 100 days than over the last 200. That photo is a good start. Posted by Picasa

Thursday, November 09, 2006

09:10 Thursday 9th November 2006


The pediment at Theberton.

PALMA NON SINE PVLVERE

Which literally translates as "No Silver Without Dust."

A more idiomatic phrasing would be "No reward without labour."

But the best translation, and one which I had better bear in mind when I fly off to Australia and NZ for three months on Monday, is "No Sweat, No Sweeties." Posted by Picasa

Monday, October 30, 2006

21:18 Monday 31st October 2006



Clearly the path to happiness is dressing up as a robot.

Why did I ever take it off? Posted by Picasa

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Friday, June 23, 2006

10:03 BST Fri 23rd June




Bugger.

Surgery yesterday found things a little worse than we had hoped. I knocked off 30% of the articular surface of the knuckle on my little finger. The tendon also needed to be stitched.

My earlier flexible bandage which allowed me to drive and give a 7 person dinner party has been replaced with a thermo-plastic moulded brace which is on for4-6 weeks.

Things I Can't Now Do:

Drive, wash-up, go to the gym, open the outer doors to the office at weekends or evenings, write, walk the dog, play cricket, drink alcohol.

Things I Can Do:

Lie around reading books, watch Wimbledon, get fatter.

A score draw, I feel. Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

23:10 Tues 20th June



White Van 1 - Bloke on Bicycle 0

Special thanks to Mr Stephen Kahn who was first on the scene and Mr Allan Engel for being a free taxi service.

I might be a little less "Mad Max-esque" when cycling in future. I went into the back of the van which either stopped or failed to accelerate nearly as fast as I thought he would.

And anyone coming to supper soon should expect left-handed cooking (i.e. takeaways). Posted by Picasa

Monday, June 05, 2006

21:45 Mon 5th June

I wish I could tell you.

But I can't.

Well, I could. Of course I could.

But I shan't.

Let's just say enough.